Mourning the Loss of a Child

“Beauty exists only in struggle.” - F. T. Marinetti 
 “My enemies will not remain, nor will my friends remain. I shall not remain. Nothing will remain.” - Santiveda, Bodhisattvacharyāvatāra
It is with writing that I get through the heaviest of times. This time cannot be an exception. We lost our sweet little niece yesterday. It was just a week after her third birthday, which we were so blessed to have been part of. I can still sense her delight as she unwrapped her toys. I can still see her radiant, joy-filled smile. I can still feel her soft, warm embrace. For such a little person, her impact on my life was huge.

Yesterday, I was sent home from work. I only went because I was so lost after the news. It was an automatic response in an attempt to normalize what could not be normal. I tried to do what my boss asked. He said to me, "Please try not to think of Wayne." I told him I likely couldn't keep that promise, because work, at Wayne and in libraries, is the center of my world. It is what comforts me, what gives my life meaning, and what keeps me busy in all times and all situations. Yet I knew he was right.

I needed time away from work and so I began preoccupying myself with other things that made me happy between weeping. Obviously spent a lot of time with my husband. I began to read and catch up on all the things coming from my Google Reader stream - how I've neglected it! I sorted my Tigers tickets. I looked outside at the beautiful day, however, and rejected the sun's glow. Probably should have at least gone for a walk.

The quotes you see at the top were from one of my favorite, if not THE favorite, blog I follow, An Existential Life. Those two were what I got from reviewing my feed yesterday. Today I looked and there is a most fitting quote posted:
"You must write, and read, as if your life depended on it." ~ Adrienne Rich, What is Found There: Notebooks on Poetry and Politics
And so here I am. Coping with the death of a young family member. The family will all be together, but we will still in many ways feel alone without her. The tears will fall, but they change nothing. A friend wrote, "the news that truly shocks is the empty page." So it is. My niece's story was short, but she left us all with her warm, wonderful memories. I want to continue to fill life's pages with her strength. She lived with positivity and joy always. She was the best and we all really miss her.

1 comment:

melissa said...

i am SO SO sorry for your tremendous loss.