Dealing with death in the last months of my twenties

The following was written by me on April 1, 2012, but I never got to publishing it. For me, 2012 was one of the worst ever. My family experienced some pretty serious deaths by that point - my grandmother at the beginning of the year and then my wonderful niece just two weeks after her third birthday. 

As I went through my some writing drafts on the first of this new year, I found this piece of writing and it inspired me. I'm so happy that I took down my feelings and my thoughts after a number of pretty awful events, because even though I didn't feel I was thinking clearly then, I wrote a few things that were quite clear. I'm so glad that I made a plan on how to focus my sadness. I didn't accomplish everything below, but that's the beauty of writing it down. I can rediscover it and continue on a path to being better.

April 1, 2012 

Dealing with death is not exactly how I expected to spend the last months of my twenties. Two of the most amazing people I've ever known I've lost this year, my Babcia Wanda and my little niece Audrey. I don't think I can get much on the page right now that makes too much sense, but I do want to get something down.

First, the deaths of Babcia and Audrey have made me want to live life to the very fullest, whether I have a week to live or another five decades. And it has made me so much more keenly aware that my time to spend with other people maybe shortened because they're time is limited on earth. So what if I live to be a 100 and don't have great experiences with every person I can? It is not that I haven't given it my all in the past, but I haven't been a positive force on those around me. Negativity has had a way of controlling me in the past and I want to live better each day.

I want to write more. I want to write about my family more and about my husband. I want to write about libraries and in support of them. I want to respond to foolishness with the written word. I want to write poetry. I want to write foolishness and make people laugh. 

I want to read, because the only way to get better at writing is to read it first. I really want to make the hour of 10-11pm my reading hour. I want to turn off all the screen in my life and read. I want to read so I can write. I want to volunteer to read books to children and help illiterate adults learn to read.

I want to serve. It is important to enjoy and take care of myself, but I have been fortunate and I need to give back in many ways. I'm still feeling out how to do this, but Audrey's passing has given me focus on pediatrics and children.